"I don't wanna feel no
more
It's easier to keep
falling
Lay down, black gives
way to blue
~Jerry Cantrell /
Alice in Chains
It's been exactly One Thousand, Five Hundred and eighty-three days since I lost my brother Tim to suicide. One Thousand, Five Hundred and eighty-three days since I last posted on this blog. It never felt right. Honestly, I haven't been able to write much more than ranting Facebook posts since. I've sat down to write countless times about things that felt important at the time, but there was nothing there. I'd stare at the keyboard until I would talk myself out of it. Never feeling like the topic at hand was important enough to break the silence created here by my brother's gut wrenching decision to take his own life. That changed this past week with the passing of Actor / Comedian, Robin Williams.
The comment was made to me after my third or fourth Facebook post about the comedian's passing, that "I didn't know you were such a fan of Robin Williams." Truth be told, I really wasn't. For the most part, I was never impressed with most of his films. Of course there are exceptions, but typically not my cup o' Tea. Now his early stand up comedy, that was a different story. Pure brilliance. I'm heartbroken that he took his own life. Not because he was a celebrity, but because he was a fellow human that was in enough pain, that he chose to end his life. Just as I am whenever I hear that any other person chooses to end the one and only life they get prematurely. Any emotional distance that time afforded me to separate myself from the heart searing pain I felt that day in April of 2010, is always erased in an instant when I am told of another's suicide. I may as well be hearing my Mom sobbing on the phone, telling me we'd lost Tim.
In the aftermath this week, there has been a lot of comments about Mr. Williams' mental health, his addictions, political leanings and even a debate over his final resting place...Heaven or Hell? That fairy tale nonsense aside, the thing that has upset me the most, the thing that finally pushed me to sit down and open this wound and write, was the accusation that his suicide was a selfish act. I heard it in the days after my brother's death. I've heard it when I've discussed my own thoughts and plans of suicide. It's a common response in our society to the act. Being common aside, it's insulting, ignorant, lacks any sense of empathy and frankly, pisses me off.
If you've said it or thought it, You're wrong. You're either misinformed or a dick. I'll be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend you're the former.
Despite what your religion tells you, or what your grandparents/parents and their generation(s) think, Depression IS an illness. An all too often fatal one. Serious depression and anxiety is debilitating. Unless you've experienced the all consuming black hole of loneliness, isolation, and desperation that comes with genuine depression, You don't get to have an opinion...at least not one that matters anyway. To dismiss the concerns of the genuinely depressed on the grounds that you’ve been sad or "in a funk" before and just "got over it" is like dismissing the trials of someone who’s had to have their Leg amputated because you once stubbed your toe and ten minutes later, you were A-OK.
Depression lies. I don't pretend to know how someone without mental illness thinks or reacts to the news of a suicide, I'm not one of those people and haven't been for a very long time, but I know how someone contemplating suicide thinks. Depression is illogical, it devours every positive thought and turns it negative. It tells you you're not good enough and never will be, that nobody loves you and would rather you weren't around, that those around you would be better off without the burden of dealing with you, That situations that might not necessarily be serious seem insurmountable and terrifying, that the ultimate act would actually be one of selflessness or generosity. To accuse a person thinking in such a manner of being selfish is unrealistic and even cold hearted. It implies that the sufferer has other options or that they "took the easy way out". I don't know, but overriding millions of years of human evolution and it's inherent self preservation instinct, certainly isn't "easy". Other options may exist, but all too often those come attached with a social stigma. Be it medications, therapy or just admitting you have a problem. Telling me that it was selfish, only increased the anxiety. Told me that my pain was irrelevant. That how those around me feel or might feel were more important. That I have a greater obligation to ensure their happiness before mine. That's not to discount or minimize the pain that suicide does cause for the survivors. I live with that pain every day. It's real and it deserves attention, and I would hope that people don't chose suicide as an option, but not just because they feel they owe it to others and others feelings to live in pain.
The tragedy of suicide is that there are options. That with help. with therapy, with medications with the support of friends and family you can find a way to live. You can find a way to heal. You can find a way to be reasonably happy. You can find a way to live the remainder of the one go around we get at this thing called life. That despite how you might feel about it, thousands of people will kill themselves. Thousands more will try to kill themselves, and millions more will do everything they can to just live one more day. To call the act selfish minimizes all of that, and instead says that the primary reason for our existence is the the happiness of our family and friends, and not living a meaningful, happy life for yourself. Only the realization that our own lives have meaning, that Our own happiness is worthwhile, is what can make a difference. Calling it selfish only increases the guilt sufferers already feel. To insinuate that by contemplating suicide that I never considered how my wife, my kids, my family and friends might feel, is wrong. I did...I do. Every fucking day. In the darkest times it's often my children that get me through the day. As a survivor, never, EVER, not ONCE did I feel angry with my brother. Never did I feel what he did was selfish. My only thoughts were always that he knew I fought depression, and wished that he'd felt that talking to me would have been safe. but I understand not wanting to confide in someone. Worrying about what others might think if you admit that you are overwhelmed by life and don't see a way out.
Calling it a selfish act ultimately does more harm than good, so please DON'T.
DO take the time to try and understand those around you that might be suffering. Know the warning Signs of suicide. I HATE how uncomfortable the word suicide makes people. 30,000 people in the US commit suicide every year, and 750,000 more will make an attempt. It's time we tackle the epidemic that is anxiety, depression and suicide, head one and not perpetuate the negative stigma that remains, and that includes not being afraid of the word itself.
DO contact your friends struggling with anxiety and depression. They may not respond, but believe me, just knowing that someone was thinking about you enough to try and make contact means something. Don't let the lack of a response push you away. There are just times it's too much to even think about human interaction.
DO encourage those that are struggling, to seek help. Take the time to find out about the services available in your area. HTTP://www.afsp.org/ is a great source to start with.
DO check on your friends or family that are suicide survivors. Especially after a high profile suicide like we've lived through this past week. It's often a trigger for those dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, or survivor's guilt. Even if you think "Oh it's been years since their loved one took their own life". It doesn't matter. It still hurts.
DO make sure the people you love, KNOW you love them. Every chance you get. You never know when you'll no longer have that opportunity.
"I don't wanna feel no
more
It's easier to keep
falling
Imitations are pale
Emptiness all
tomorrows
Haunted by your ghost
Lay down, black gives
way to blue
Lay down, I'll
remember you"
~Jerry Cantrell /
Alice in Chains
It's been exactly One Thousand, Five Hundred and eighty-three days since I lost my brother Tim to suicide. One Thousand, Five Hundred and eighty-three days since I last posted on this blog. It never felt right. Honestly, I haven't been able to write much more than ranting Facebook posts since. I've sat down to write countless times about things that felt important at the time, but there was nothing there. I'd stare at the keyboard until I would talk myself out of it. Never feeling like the topic at hand was important enough to break the silence created here by my brother's gut wrenching decision to take his own life. That changed this past week with the passing of Actor / Comedian, Robin Williams.
The comment was made to me after my third or fourth Facebook post about the comedian's passing, that "I didn't know you were such a fan of Robin Williams." Truth be told, I really wasn't. For the most part, I was never impressed with most of his films. Of course there are exceptions, but typically not my cup o' Tea. Now his early stand up comedy, that was a different story. Pure brilliance. I'm heartbroken that he took his own life. Not because he was a celebrity, but because he was a fellow human that was in enough pain, that he chose to end his life. Just as I am whenever I hear that any other person chooses to end the one and only life they get prematurely. Any emotional distance that time afforded me to separate myself from the heart searing pain I felt that day in April of 2010, is always erased in an instant when I am told of another's suicide. I may as well be hearing my Mom sobbing on the phone, telling me we'd lost Tim.
In the aftermath this week, there has been a lot of comments about Mr. Williams' mental health, his addictions, political leanings and even a debate over his final resting place...Heaven or Hell? That fairy tale nonsense aside, the thing that has upset me the most, the thing that finally pushed me to sit down and open this wound and write, was the accusation that his suicide was a selfish act. I heard it in the days after my brother's death. I've heard it when I've discussed my own thoughts and plans of suicide. It's a common response in our society to the act. Being common aside, it's insulting, ignorant, lacks any sense of empathy and frankly, pisses me off.
If you've said it or thought it, You're wrong. You're either misinformed or a dick. I'll be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend you're the former.
Despite what your religion tells you, or what your grandparents/parents and their generation(s) think, Depression IS an illness. An all too often fatal one. Serious depression and anxiety is debilitating. Unless you've experienced the all consuming black hole of loneliness, isolation, and desperation that comes with genuine depression, You don't get to have an opinion...at least not one that matters anyway. To dismiss the concerns of the genuinely depressed on the grounds that you’ve been sad or "in a funk" before and just "got over it" is like dismissing the trials of someone who’s had to have their Leg amputated because you once stubbed your toe and ten minutes later, you were A-OK.
Depression lies. I don't pretend to know how someone without mental illness thinks or reacts to the news of a suicide, I'm not one of those people and haven't been for a very long time, but I know how someone contemplating suicide thinks. Depression is illogical, it devours every positive thought and turns it negative. It tells you you're not good enough and never will be, that nobody loves you and would rather you weren't around, that those around you would be better off without the burden of dealing with you, That situations that might not necessarily be serious seem insurmountable and terrifying, that the ultimate act would actually be one of selflessness or generosity. To accuse a person thinking in such a manner of being selfish is unrealistic and even cold hearted. It implies that the sufferer has other options or that they "took the easy way out". I don't know, but overriding millions of years of human evolution and it's inherent self preservation instinct, certainly isn't "easy". Other options may exist, but all too often those come attached with a social stigma. Be it medications, therapy or just admitting you have a problem. Telling me that it was selfish, only increased the anxiety. Told me that my pain was irrelevant. That how those around me feel or might feel were more important. That I have a greater obligation to ensure their happiness before mine. That's not to discount or minimize the pain that suicide does cause for the survivors. I live with that pain every day. It's real and it deserves attention, and I would hope that people don't chose suicide as an option, but not just because they feel they owe it to others and others feelings to live in pain.
The tragedy of suicide is that there are options. That with help. with therapy, with medications with the support of friends and family you can find a way to live. You can find a way to heal. You can find a way to be reasonably happy. You can find a way to live the remainder of the one go around we get at this thing called life. That despite how you might feel about it, thousands of people will kill themselves. Thousands more will try to kill themselves, and millions more will do everything they can to just live one more day. To call the act selfish minimizes all of that, and instead says that the primary reason for our existence is the the happiness of our family and friends, and not living a meaningful, happy life for yourself. Only the realization that our own lives have meaning, that Our own happiness is worthwhile, is what can make a difference. Calling it selfish only increases the guilt sufferers already feel. To insinuate that by contemplating suicide that I never considered how my wife, my kids, my family and friends might feel, is wrong. I did...I do. Every fucking day. In the darkest times it's often my children that get me through the day. As a survivor, never, EVER, not ONCE did I feel angry with my brother. Never did I feel what he did was selfish. My only thoughts were always that he knew I fought depression, and wished that he'd felt that talking to me would have been safe. but I understand not wanting to confide in someone. Worrying about what others might think if you admit that you are overwhelmed by life and don't see a way out.
Calling it a selfish act ultimately does more harm than good, so please DON'T.
DO take the time to try and understand those around you that might be suffering. Know the warning Signs of suicide. I HATE how uncomfortable the word suicide makes people. 30,000 people in the US commit suicide every year, and 750,000 more will make an attempt. It's time we tackle the epidemic that is anxiety, depression and suicide, head one and not perpetuate the negative stigma that remains, and that includes not being afraid of the word itself.
DO contact your friends struggling with anxiety and depression. They may not respond, but believe me, just knowing that someone was thinking about you enough to try and make contact means something. Don't let the lack of a response push you away. There are just times it's too much to even think about human interaction.
DO encourage those that are struggling, to seek help. Take the time to find out about the services available in your area. HTTP://www.afsp.org/ is a great source to start with.
DO encourage those that are struggling, to seek help. Take the time to find out about the services available in your area. HTTP://www.afsp.org/ is a great source to start with.
DO check on your friends or family that are suicide survivors. Especially after a high profile suicide like we've lived through this past week. It's often a trigger for those dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, or survivor's guilt. Even if you think "Oh it's been years since their loved one took their own life". It doesn't matter. It still hurts.
DO make sure the people you love, KNOW you love them. Every chance you get. You never know when you'll no longer have that opportunity.
